I feel utterly miserable tonight.
I'm 35. I have no job. I have no children. I have no home of my own.
This is not what I had planned for this stage of my life, Andrew & I should be in a more secure position than we are right now and we should have at least two children if everything didn't go to shit like it did. Instead we are still up to our ears in debt with no way to pay it and we will be declaring ourselves bankrupt very soon. When that happens, we won't be able to borrow money to buy our own home for years, the banks won't come anywhere near us.
I feel like I have failed in so many ways and wasted so many great opportunities. Money isn't everything to me, having a grandiose home with all the high tech gadgets and a fancy lifestyle isn't up there on my list of wants.
Ignoring the debt for a moment, in some aspects the absence of a mortgage and a house is a blessing. We aren't tied to the one place, so if Andrew was to get the dream job offer we can pack up and go. We have a freedom that so many people don't, so that is one thing I am truly grateful for.
I am also grateful for the support and love I have received from my family and friends, I am grateful for my health, I am grateful for a loving husband who has been through so much with me and stood by me when the going was so tough it would probably destroy many relationships.
We deserve so much more than the shit we have been dealt. All I want is for us to be financially secure, and above all I want us to be parents.
Right now, we are neither of those and that is what makes me so sad.
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